What I Found

I wrote this over a year ago for a women writers class, and while it's posted on my other blog, I think it fits for this blog as well....

Around 2001 my mother tells me I’m a woman now. No more white socks with lace and Mary Janes—now I’m expected to wear nylons and high heels to church. As I get ready Sunday morning and look into the mirror hanging on the back of my bedroom door, I frown. Why do I feel like I’m missing something?

Around 2002 I start high school. The girls in all my classes paint their nails, wear makeup, and fashionable clothes. I buy my first copy of Seventeen Magazine and all the models in there are beautiful. When I point this out to Mom she scoffs and says they aren’t real. “Of course they’re real, I’m looking right at them.” It doesn’t matter, I’m still not allowed to wear makeup. This frustrates me. “Every other girl at school is allowed to wear makeup.” She agrees to let me paint my nails but that’s it. I also decide to start growing out my hair to look like the models in my magazine.

Around 2003 I finally wear makeup for the first time. Eyeliner and mascara. My friend helps me do it right before I take my school picture and Mom nearly has a heart attack two months later when the pictures come in the mail. After that I wear eyeliner and mascara religiously—sometimes I even reapply these items multiple times a day. In the bathroom at school I look at my reflection and once again I can’t help but feel like I’m missing something.Around 2004 short hair is hot again. Women who are cutting their hair are making a power statement so I chop mine off, the hair that took me nearly two years to grow out, and dye it blond. This marks the first, but definitely not the last time, I color my hair. The hair stylist exclaims and gushes over how nice I look with this cut and color, yet I frown when I look into the mirror in the salon. Why do I feel like something is missing?

Around 2005 fashion and makeup magazines have become my new bible. Pages of Vogue, Cosmopolitan, and Seventeen clutter my bedroom floor and walls as I try to sort through the images I should look like.

Around 2006 I finally graduate high school. So far my hair has worn blond, brown and red masks, as well as green, pink, and orange. I’ve finally gotten the hang of eye shadow, and luckily, I’ve learned how to tune down the amount of eyeliner I wear. Blush was hard to figure out. Pink, coral, peach? Bright or soft? Matte or shimmer? And if blush wasn’t hard enough to learn how to apply, according to the industry, I need foundation and concealer too! I won’t bore you with the details of how many I had to try to find my “perfect” match.

Around 2007 my bibles are kept centered on the nightstand in my bedroom. I’ve gotten to the point where I won’t leave my house, even to go to the grocery store, without applying makeup first. I’m too embarrassed to talk to anyone without checking my makeup, but everyone else does it so it’s not that big of deal is it?

Around 2008 I no longer enjoy my mornings because my beauty routine has been come my main focus. I wash and condition my hair, shave my legs, wash my face, and apply ample amounts of lotion to every body part. My nails are always kept trimmed and painted, and before I walk out of the house I have to put on a mask of foundation, concealer, blush, eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara, lipstick, and lip gloss. I check myself out in the mirror by the front door one last time before stepping outside and it upsets me that I still can’t figure out what I’m missing.

Around 2009 I showered and dressed this morning, but I didn’t touch any makeup. My nail polish is left alone in a dresser draw and that forty dollar moisturizer is lying at the bottom of my trashcan. I look in the mirror and tell myself out loud, “I think I’ve found what I was looking for.”

I stumbled upon this a few days ago, going through my old work and realized that as much as I love makeup and beauty products (and believe me I love them!) it's nice to be reminded of what's truly important.

I hope you all remember to take care of your inner beauty as much as you do your outer beauty! Cheers!